An Open Letter to My Addict Mother

Dear mother,

You brought me into this world, but it seems you have forgotten the most important part; navigating me through it. You found something better, something that means more to you than I ever could. I have been left behind, erased, and pushed away. When I think about you, I think about your addiction. I think about who you are, not who you used to be. You used to love me, and you even used to care, but now I am just a blank space in your memory that is only a recognition of the mistakes you have made in your past. I am your mistake; I am your past.

I look to you hoping one day you will come to terms with your addiction, and you will see the truth. The truth is you are so tied up in this new life that you forgot to call. You forgot to ask me how my day was, or if I needed any advice. You think I am so independent, and that I have always been. You never thought to take the time and really understand me. I am not independent. I am in fact reliant. I am reliant on this crazy dream that maybe you will come back to me someday. Maybe you will take into consideration what you do to me every day. Maybe you will think about how much I worry you will never come out of this, or how much sleep I lose at night wondering if I can change this, or what our lives would have been if I could have changed it years ago.

You are unhappy. I am unhappy. but do you know who is not unhappy? The addiction you have. He is your addiction. You are forever tied up in his life, forgetting to live your own, because that is the way he wants it. You are hopeless. He sucks the life out of you, but you won’t ever see it like that; he would never allow that.

So, mom I want you to know that I want to hate you. I want to resent you with everything I have, but I also have enough hope for the both of us. I have enough hope to keep holding on, and to keep telling you it will all be okay. I am broken because of you, and life is hard because of you; however, because of you, I will put my pieces back together and gather yours no matter how many times you’re shattered. I can navigate my life enough to learn from your mistakes, and to learn not to leave your loved ones behind. I will fight for you like you never did for me. I will forever share my hope, and hope that one day you will realize that you don’t need him. You never did.