An Open Letter to My Addict Mother

Dear mother,

You brought me into this world, but it seems you have forgotten the most important part; navigating me through it. You found something better, something that means more to you than I ever could. I have been left behind, erased, and pushed away. When I think about you, I think about your addiction. I think about who you are, not who you used to be. You used to love me, and you even used to care, but now I am just a blank space in your memory that is only a recognition of the mistakes you have made in your past. I am your mistake; I am your past.

I look to you hoping one day you will come to terms with your addiction, and you will see the truth. The truth is you are so tied up in this new life that you forgot to call. You forgot to ask me how my day was, or if I needed any advice. You think I am so independent, and that I have always been. You never thought to take the time and really understand me. I am not independent. I am in fact reliant. I am reliant on this crazy dream that maybe you will come back to me someday. Maybe you will take into consideration what you do to me every day. Maybe you will think about how much I worry you will never come out of this, or how much sleep I lose at night wondering if I can change this, or what our lives would have been if I could have changed it years ago.

You are unhappy. I am unhappy. but do you know who is not unhappy? The addiction you have. He is your addiction. You are forever tied up in his life, forgetting to live your own, because that is the way he wants it. You are hopeless. He sucks the life out of you, but you won’t ever see it like that; he would never allow that.

So, mom I want you to know that I want to hate you. I want to resent you with everything I have, but I also have enough hope for the both of us. I have enough hope to keep holding on, and to keep telling you it will all be okay. I am broken because of you, and life is hard because of you; however, because of you, I will put my pieces back together and gather yours no matter how many times you’re shattered. I can navigate my life enough to learn from your mistakes, and to learn not to leave your loved ones behind. I will fight for you like you never did for me. I will forever share my hope, and hope that one day you will realize that you don’t need him. You never did.

16 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Addict Mother”

    1. I cried to because 10 years ago that was me I’ve been clean since 2004 and have the love of my children back in my life by the grace of god I am hole today not shattered

      Like

  1. What an incredibly exceptional letter. I ache for what you have gone through, but somewhere and from someone you have grown strong and determined. I wish this letter would make a difference for both you and your mother’s family. Addiction is “Hell on Earth”. May God continue to give you strength and courage and may you know there are many who love you even if the “addiction” chooses to blind your mother. May your letter break through the addiction to her heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, so many people deal with this everyday, but you are right! Somehow we are still strong enough to get through it everyday and become a better person! I hope every mother can somehow learn that they need to let go of the addiction and choose what is right and what will always show them love!

      Like

  2. I am a recovering addict of almost 13 years lost myself and my children suffered for it I am now involved in my children’s life by the grace of God however its bitter sweet because now my 22 year old son is addicted to heroin its heartbreaking because he has a 2 year old daughter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. What a journey you have been through! All that matters is that you finally saw what really mattered and that you are there for them now. We can only pray that your son can come out of it and be as strong as you! 13 years is a long time, that’s an incredible milestone, hang in there, you’re doing great!

      Like

  3. My mom lost her life to her addiction on 27th 2017 i tried to get her to quit i told her one day mom i will work u as a code or find u died we didnt speak for years and then i had kids my mom got clean for a few years and then she lost her life i found my mom high on and sunday i left her house very mad bcuz she had my 2 sons 3 and 6 and we talked threw text went to her house on tuesday and found my mom she had OD . A month and 4 days after her 47th birthday times may be hard dealing with an addiction but never take havi g a parent for granted

    Like

  4. I was so moved by your letter. This was me 14 months ago. But by the grace of god and child welfare services I got into treatment and I am now doing good. I pray for those who are still out there and find the help I got. I now have almost 2 years clean, and on the 29th of September 2017 I will have been working at the same drug and alcohol treatment facility in which I graduated from. I am there for my son, who is 7 now. and I almost have child welfare services out of my life. Thank you for this it is and inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is profound. I have adopted children who are so tortured by their parents addictions. They have been through so much for so long. Taking the 13 year old to treatment today because she just cant move forward and keeps trying to escape the past in all of the wrong ways. I have worked in child welfare for 35 years and will never understand what it is that makes some be able to overcome and some never to. It is so sad. Thanks for sharing!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s