Am I in Love?

What does it feel like to be in love? Some people may never truly experience it, but once you know.. You just know. If you have to think about it, and wonder if it’s really what you want, then it’s really not what you want. People settle all to easily, and they don’t think about the consequences in the future. In the future, will he be patient, and kind with your children, if you decide to have them? Will he love you unconditionally for the rest of his life? Will he support you and all the things that you want to do with your life? Will he be the one you can go to with anything, and everything without hesitation? Ask yourself, what kind of a person is this man? Do you truly know from the bottom of your heart that he is the one for you, without a doubt?

It takes two to tango, so don’t forget that those questions should all apply to you, this is not a one sided thing. If you are truly in love with somebody, you cannot be available to other people. If you think flaunting your body, and yourself to other men/ women is okay, then you are simply not mature enough for a serious relationship. You have to learn that a relationship takes trust, and most importantly, RESPECT. To respect someone, you must always keep them in mind when making decisions and plans; besides, if you love someone, why would you want to make decisions and plans without them?

Nobody said love would be easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing I have ever known. Letting someone past the walls you put up takes time, and effort. Most people fail at relationships because they don’t take the time to understand one another. Opening up and letting someone in to see all your flaws, and all the dysfunctional things about you is the scariest thing I can think of. You, as a person are the only one who knows everything about you, but now you have this other person who wants to know, and that could be a good reason to push them away. If you are not ready to let someone see even your worst side, then you are not ready to make that lifelong commitment. Trying to always see something from your partners perspective takes lots of practice. It is easy to always be selfish and to think about yourself, but in order to make a relationship work you should always take into consideration the thoughts of others.

It is not a bad thing to not be ready to jump into a huge commitment. Love is something that should be able to wait and endure, it should not be rushed. Love is a powerful tool, its easy to use it against someone; but, that is the worst part about it. Love is a weapon of mass destruction, and when used the wrong way it can destroy someones life. It is easy to be blinded by love, and to not see what really matters in life if you are consumed by one person. If you really are in love with someone, then your life does not have to only consist of that person. To have a fulfilling relationship, you and your partner should be able to have time for friends and family.

A relationship that consists of only two people all the time is unhealthy, and can lead to being dependent on that person for all your emotional needs. Being emotionally bound to one person gives them the power to destroy your life. You can’t let people have that kind of power over you if you want to be in control of your own life. There is being in love, then there is being addicted. Addiction is blinding, we all know someone who suffers from this all too well.

Love is strong, but it is worth it. Good, or bad, love is a lesson worth learning, and it’s constantly evolving. So again, what does it feel like to be in love? It feels like the bumpiest ride of your life, but the view at the top is breathtaking.

I am Going to be your CNA Tonight…

But, I would never tell you that I am tired and I have only gotten a few hours of sleep. I would never tell you that I am also going to school so going to work at the same time is the hardest thing I will ever do. I would never tell you that tonight is especially long and grouling, and I would do anything to be home in bed. I would never tell you that my kids are sick at home and they need their momma, but my patients are sick and for some reason my work thinks they need me more. I would never tell you that a 12 hour shift is draining, and after about 9-10 hours my back starts to hurt and changing you after you’ve had an accident in your bed becomes the hardest thing about my night. I would never tell you that I have a patient next door that just tried to punch me in the face because he’s confused and scared and there is nothing I can do to calm his nerves, so he is strapped to a bed with restraints right now; however, that only makes it worse. I would never tell you that I have a patient who is running me ragged asking for everything under the sun to eat. I have taken so many trips to the pantry tonight so no, I don’t want to take another, but I will. I would never tell you that I have a hospice patient next door that has no family in there, and I want to be in there with all my heart and soul, but I just don’t have the time to comfort the old, dying patient. I would never tell you that the nurse I am working with tonight is the same nurse that won’t do a single CNA task because it’s beneath her, so I am stuck doing this all alone tonight. I would never tell you that I don’t have time to take you to the bathroom because this patient next door needs more help than you, and you are probably going to have to wait a while before I can get there because she is a fall risk and I cannot leave her on the toilet alone. I would never tell you that I needed help and that there is only one me because that would make you feel bad for me, but I am your caretaker tonight, I need to be the stronger one.

What I would tell you is that you are the reason for my life. You are the reason I wake up everyday. I come to work with a smile on my face because I am ready to change a life. I walk into your room and I am ready to address your every need, and when you push that light, you bet I’ll be there as soon as I can. One patient can make a difference in your entire night. One patients smile can make me remember why I do this. I do this because I care. I care about you, and everything you need to feel cared about is what I am here to provide. I’m basically your servant, and I am okay with that. No, trust me I’m not in this for the money because it’s not that great. I am in here for you. Once I walk into this room, I become your family. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, and not because they want me to, but because I want to. I want to make a difference in your life, and I will do whatever I can to fix your problems. Even when my problems are stacking up outside this hospital, I will leave them at the door because I want to make this experience about you.

So, being a CNA is hard work, yes, but you make it all worth it to me. You give my life meaning, and I could never thank you enough for that. On those difficult days when all I have done is run back and forth down that hospital hall, and I step into your room and you make me smile, that’s what makes those 12 hours worth it. You make it worth it.

An Open Letter to My Addict Mother

Dear mother,

You brought me into this world, but it seems you have forgotten the most important part; navigating me through it. You found something better, something that means more to you than I ever could. I have been left behind, erased, and pushed away. When I think about you, I think about your addiction. I think about who you are, not who you used to be. You used to love me, and you even used to care, but now I am just a blank space in your memory that is only a recognition of the mistakes you have made in your past. I am your mistake; I am your past.

I look to you hoping one day you will come to terms with your addiction, and you will see the truth. The truth is you are so tied up in this new life that you forgot to call. You forgot to ask me how my day was, or if I needed any advice. You think I am so independent, and that I have always been. You never thought to take the time and really understand me. I am not independent. I am in fact reliant. I am reliant on this crazy dream that maybe you will come back to me someday. Maybe you will take into consideration what you do to me every day. Maybe you will think about how much I worry you will never come out of this, or how much sleep I lose at night wondering if I can change this, or what our lives would have been if I could have changed it years ago.

You are unhappy. I am unhappy. but do you know who is not unhappy? The addiction you have. He is your addiction. You are forever tied up in his life, forgetting to live your own, because that is the way he wants it. You are hopeless. He sucks the life out of you, but you won’t ever see it like that; he would never allow that.

So, mom I want you to know that I want to hate you. I want to resent you with everything I have, but I also have enough hope for the both of us. I have enough hope to keep holding on, and to keep telling you it will all be okay. I am broken because of you, and life is hard because of you; however, because of you, I will put my pieces back together and gather yours no matter how many times you’re shattered. I can navigate my life enough to learn from your mistakes, and to learn not to leave your loved ones behind. I will fight for you like you never did for me. I will forever share my hope, and hope that one day you will realize that you don’t need him. You never did.